A true comparison review of all adventure bikes

 

There is a popular South African  adventure motorcycle forum on the interweb called The Wild Dog Forum where thousands of riders post about all things adventure. One such user is Yamaha XT 660 Z rider Almero from the Western Cape, who seems to be about quality not quantity. In the six years he has been a forum member, he has posted just 30 times. One of these times was this massively entertaining review of all the popular adventure motorcycles based, it seems, on the opinion of many forum users. Posted with his permission. Read and enjoy.

If you find anything you read below offensive or upsetting, kindly click here.

Herewith the Wild Dog post from Almero:

 

Hi all,

I’ve been on the forum for quite a while (though mostly as a lurker).

I’ve noticed a serious lack of actual information on buying the right bike. So I thought I’d put together a few short reviews on the most popular dual sport models.

I hope this helps the serious buyers among you. Each bike is rated out of 10.

BMW R1200GS

BMW 1200GS

Oh jeez, where to begin… This steaming pile of excrement’s undeserved popularity is outweighed only by its actual weight. Follow the crowd, independent thought is over-rated! Pointless 1930s technology brought to the present for absolutely no reason. Terrible suspension. 0/10

KTM 1290 Super Adventure

KTM 1290

Making well over 600hp this is the official bike of the mid-life crisis. Your wife might even stop sleeping with the mailman when you get one of these babies! Unreliable doesn’t begin to describe it though, the airbox sucks like your mom after 3 glasses of Four Cousins. Terrible suspension. 0/10

KTM 1090 Adventure

KTM 1090

Want a 1290 but too much of a pansy to handle the power? This is for you! Terrible suspension. 0/10

BMW F800GS

BMW 800GS

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz!! Terrible suspension. 0/10

2018 Africa Twin Adventure Sports

Honda Africa Twin 1000

Like a worse KTM 990. Can you say “under-powered” Making only 95hp, this bike is rendered practically useless. 15 years of waiting for this? Let down of the century! Terrible suspension. 0/10

KTM 990 Adventure

KTM 990

Like a worse Africa Twin. Ugly as the night, looks like a Matric metalwork project. Fuel consumption rivals that of a Land Cruiser, rendering any trip longer than 15km impossible. Suspension is terrible.  0/10

Honda CRF250 Rally

Honda 250 Rally

Honda has fooled a handful of idiots into thinking this delivery bike is dual sport. It even has them paying over 90k for a bike that should be dropping off Debonairs at your house on Friday evening. Suspension is absolutely terrible. 0/10

Yamaha 1200 Super Tenere

Yamaha Super Tenere 1200

You want a 1200GS in blue, but without the free muffins? It costs HOW MUCH? Absolutely terrible suspension. 0/10

Yamaha XT660Z Tenere

Yamaha XT660Z Tenere

This bike weighs almost as much as 1200GS but with one fourteenth of the power. Kymco scooters will flatten you at the traffic lights. Only an absolute idiot would opt for this abortion of a motorcycle. Has a long fuel range, so you’ll be subjected to hours and hours of excruciating seat time. Suspension=terrible. 0/10

Triumph Tiger 800

Triumph Tiger 800

Haha don’t even kid me. So bad even Triumph itself fled from the country, leaving us stuck with this pathetic mess. It depreciates faster than the Rand during a Zuma speech. And reliability? It’s British in every sense of the word! Avoid at all costs. Suspension is so terrible. 0/10

Kawasaki KLR650

Kawasaki KLR650

“Hello, this is the 1960s calling, we want our technology back please!” A face only a blind mother could love, this almost out-ugly’s the KTM 990. A reversing Fiat UNO has a higher top speed. Suspension is terrible. 0/10

Suzuki DR650

Suzuki DR650

See KLR650 review but much, much worse. “It’s old so it must be reliable”, haha, yeah right. Carry some extra oil buddy! Terrible suspension. 0/10

KTM 690 Enduro

KTM 690

You have to be a special brand of stupid to want to cover long distance on a glorified dirt bike. Luckily, there’s this steaming turd for that! You want to pay over a hundred grand for a pimped-up plaasbike? As reliable as an investment opportunity email from a Prince in Nigeria. Suspension? Terrible. 0/10

Husqvarna 701 Enduro

Huswqawjqwskwarna 701

A KTM 690 in yellow. From the country that invented ABBA comes an equally terrible bike. You’ll be screaming “Mamma Mia!” at the discomfort that comes with riding anything further than 2km. Also, try saying “Husqvarna” without sounding like an orangutan having a stroke. Suspension is terrible. 0/10

 

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19 Comments

Knjte Dunrvnyet 19th December 2017 at 4:16 am

Well, yeah- only the Yamaha TW is a 10/10. 😀 [It may be slow, but it’s do-it-all, friendly puppy dog of a bike. If I wuzn’t an olde fook, I’d do a RTW on it.]

Henro van Rooyen 19th December 2017 at 10:36 am

This is fantastic! I wonder which ADV bikes he actually likes?

Would love to know more about this blogger, and his preferences.

Good read!

HvR

Ironby aaron 19th December 2017 at 6:10 pm

I get the sense the suspension might be terrible.

Bertram 19th December 2017 at 8:22 pm

Yeah brilliant and funny because its somewhat true. The original post included 1 more bike. A ZongShen 200GY. A cheap knock off with a TW engine, and the suspension… is brilliant!!!!

Lars Axhage 19th December 2017 at 9:48 pm

Most likely this gentleman has an extra ordinary vulnerable ass … 🙂

Vic Winkelman 19th December 2017 at 10:05 pm

Jeepers! So what do I buy?

Jim 20th December 2017 at 6:37 am

Dude,

What you gain on the swings you lose on the round a bouts……

It’s what ever lights your fire…..

Some folks live with the weight of the GS, others live the power of the Africa Twin. Etc, etc.

Happy riding.

Ally Cookson 20th December 2017 at 6:38 am

He must be a scooter rider , 😎 doesn’t like much and I wonder if he actually rode all these bikes.
I love my KTM 1050 Adventure

Howie Zowie 20th December 2017 at 8:56 am

Why did you leave out….

Honda Africa Twin 750
Ever heard the old saying “never meet your hero?” Here’s living proof. The motorcycle equivalent of Clint Eastwood’s career, this washed-up has-been will leave you wondering if it was even good in the first place. Suspension: terrible. 0/10

BMW 310GS
BMW becomes Bangalore Motor Works for this diahorrea-inducing Indian take-away special. Thin little naan bread wheels make it as frustrating to ride on dirt as calling Dinesh for tech support. But hey, it says BMW on the badge and that’s enough, right? Suspension is great!…just kidding, it’s terrible. 0/10

Honda XR650R
This bike is best known for winning the Baja 1000, a dinky little consolation-prize race for those who can’t make it in the Dakar. So it’s no surprise that it’s absolutely useless in all regards. The “Big Red Pig” tries to be both a dirtbike and a dual sport, and only succeeds in failing at both. More like the “Big Red Compromise”! Terrible Suspension. 0/10

Honda XR650L
Shame man, does the fast version of the XR650 scare you too much? This piece of 80s nostalgia will go well with your old denim jacket and Duran-Duran records. Obviously the worst decade of music produced similarly bad motorcycles. Suspension is terrible. 0/10

Suzuki V-Strom 1000/650
Oh sorry, I thought we were reviewing off-road motorcycles, don’t know how this streetbike slipped in here. Impossible to take off tarmac. Even negotiating a gravel driveway will feel like day 2 of the Amageza. Largely due to the suspension (which is terrible). Comes in two engine variants: “under-powered” and “severely under-powered”. 0/10

Ducati Multistada
The Italians are known for their beautiful designs, but what the hell happened here? You’ll be putting your helmet on backwards just so you don’t have to look at it. And boy is it unreliable…In fact, scientists have recently confirmed that there’s no such thing as Dalmatians. Just Labradors that slept under Multistradas. Sospensione terribile. 0/10

BMW F650 Dakar
With a Rotax engine very obviously designed for ride-on lawnmowers, this single cylinder is an absolute mess. BMW tries (and fails) to reinvent the wheel by placing the fuel tank under the seat, resulting in absolutely no advantages at all. Terrible suspension. 0/10

Zongsheng GY200-A
This is the high-performance light-weight dual sport we’ve all been waiting for. This incredible bike has off-road capabilities that will have you winning the Roof, Amageza and Dakar without breaking a sweat. With its high top speed, you’ll also be cruising the highway to Windhoek and back for lunch in under an hour. Absolutely amazing suspension. 10/10

J 20th December 2017 at 10:17 am

Good day.
I don’t beleave there is anything on this planet that will give this blogger joi.

Have you driven anny of the above for at least 10000 km’s and then gave an honest opinion?

Cheers

Rudi 20th December 2017 at 11:36 am

Shame, this guy must be pissed off at the world or just retarded. He rates all the bikes suspension at 0 out of 10. I wonder if he knows that some of those bikes has suspension you can setup to your taste? Maybe doesnt know how to use it so he just rates it as shit. Or maybe just has no idea how to ride a bike. The ktm 990 adventure does have shit fuel consumption, but if thats what you want, buy a prius you fag! Its a vtwin, off course its gonna be heavy on fuel. But the engine, power, ride, suspension, it all works so well together. By the way, I dont own one so I am not defending my own bike.

    Jesse 20th December 2017 at 4:06 pm

    I would agree with you if this wasn’t obviously satire.

Zenobia 20th December 2017 at 11:54 am

So please…which bike would 9 out of 10 Bikers recommend? As a woman i do not have the upper bodystrenth and length of a male.

Edwina 20th December 2017 at 6:11 pm

This dude is obviously has a very small set of.. legs and is pissed off at all the real riders. So sad. As a lady who rides everyday, I prefer my F700GS BMW and I also believe there is no bad bike or bad weather. Ride on..

Bill Chera 21st December 2017 at 11:59 am

Friendly reminder to everyone taking this at face value.. The original poster (Almero) rides a Yamaha XT 660 Z. He is clearly just having a bit of fun, especially considering the repetition of “suspension = terrible” on bikes whose purpose is to be comfortable.

Paulo 21st December 2017 at 4:08 pm

So… tell me dude. Have you hever placed you butt on a motobike??? I doubt.

Lance 21st December 2017 at 10:46 pm

Remember: The article is composed of comments and ‘reviews’ the author obtained from other users on The Wild Dog Forum, not his own personal experience with each bike listed. 😂😂

Great read! 😃

Memes 22nd January 2018 at 3:02 pm

Ahhh Jeez, now I don’t know what to get!

Sbraven 12th February 2018 at 4:00 am

Ahhh, sarcasm is a mighty wonderful tool, especially when witnessed by those that don’t get it!!!!
I’ll keep riding my 990 and it’s ‘terrible suspension’ until such time as I find something even more terrible!!!

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